15/April/2012

Current Thoughts:It's been a long time since movie characters have pissed me off this much.

50 Reasons Why 'The Darkest Hour' Sucked

1. Camera zoomed too far forward & pans back on plane.

2. These kids keep saying ‘Mos-COW’. Christ, calm down, no need to kill the word.

3. Ben: “Wait for us”. I hope the taxi driver knows what that means.

4. The lighting on the two girls.

5. If this were a real club, they would be yelling at each other because you can’t hear shit in a club.

6. Sean: “Your mom left it in my room.” If I were you Sean, I wouldn’t be talking about wolves because that statement levels you down to age 12.

7. Anne needs both hands to take a photo because I guess that’s how you do it in Australia. Camera’s not that heavy.

8. “This isn’t normal.” All I can do is facepalm that comment.

9. “Sean, you see that?” YEAH BUDDY & SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE.

10. So, it doesn’t like shoes, this is the second person that had his shoes flung.

11. Why is it so slow, but it can grab & kill fast.

12. Anne with her ridiculous amounts of screaming. This isn’t a Sam Raimi film.

13. Wait, what do you mean Saturday? SUNDAY? Now it’s Monday. Tuesday… Darkest “Hour”???? How about “Darkest Four, Possibly Five Days Depending on How Long The Movie Takes Place”? That seems like a batter title.

14. US Embassy? For what? Wtf are they going to do?

15. “Is it going to be like this all over the city?” Hurr Durr. Oh god, this dialogue; the dumbest kids on the planet & we have to revolve around them.

16. I hope Skyler dies quick. I’m sick of weak people in movies. Whiny bitches.

17. She’s already falling & she’s only 5ft out of the club. Fucking girls.

18. The ash is like a mixture between packing peanuts & rice.

19. You all walk that far onto the bridge and are JUST NOW seeing this big gaping hole?

20. “Where’d it go? Can you see anything?” It’s fucking pretty much invisible, I thought they established that, so why… WHY would you ask that question??

21. Natalie- just drop the shoes already.

22. Sean, it’s just a girl in a bra. Have you really been that sheltered all your life that you need to gawk at her?

23. “Wanna get yourself killed?” says the tard with the gun who can’t shoot.

24. I wouldn’t even look back at Skyler as I go up the stairs. Why do they care?

25. Nobody asking about the “soundtrack”. It sounds like it’s supposed to be noises that the aliens or whatever are making.

26. “It’s Skyler, what is he doing?” Another dumb fucking question. Does it really matter? The guy is an idiot & you know you will run into another Russian to be your translator.

27. Anne: “I can’t do this.” UGH. She needs to go next.

28. “There’s someone in there.” OBVIOUSLY.

29. “Hurry, the sun’s coming up.” It’s already up. The streets lights wouldn’t even be on anymore at this point. They lag for only you.

30. This nut bat had all this time to construct this room for this EXACT thing to happen.

31. They are questioning his microwave gun. Take the guy’s word for it- his room works.

32. You just killed off the ONLY interesting character & he was on screen for all of about 10 minutes. Are you kidding me?

33. That horse is fucking AMAZING to put up with all that noise & explosions. It must’ve had a lot of training & specifically be a WAR HORSE.

34. “Seattle.” “Ah, Nirvana.” UGH. Fucking Nirvana. Shitty band. Way too much hype.

35. I understand these guys just saved you, but you are never supposed to tell others about what weapons you have or where the nuclear submarine is, or that there even is a nuclear submarine. The less people the better.

36. What a waste of actually filming in Moscow when you ruin everything by CGI-ing so much.

37. Why are you giving him some sap story- he never said you can’t leave, or that they have to come with you. Just fucking go.

38. I think you’ve got enough bulbs on the ground. How about save some for later?

39. Ben dies- muffled- slo-mo- not as dramatic as they were aiming for.

40. I don’t know why the guy with the RPG doesn’t have a RPG loaded…

41. Sean can’t at least say jump or something before they all are blasted with debris in the face?

42. “I have orders, etc. etc.” He’s the next William Shatner.

43. Natalie is ashore for some reason??? And in an industrial yard? Fucking WHY WHY WHY?????? Go to the submarine, dumb dumb dumb.

44. The alien and it’s shitty CGI retarded looking skull. So gay.

45. God, this movie has been in a such a rush to get somewhere & now we are at the end of it & it still doesn’t seem to know where it wants to go.

46. “Be careful- they’re out there.” Really? I assumed they all got bored & left.

47. I’m suddenly watching ‘Speed’.

48. Don’t worry, naval officer, I will get the nuclear submarine’s door even though I have no fucking clue what I’m doing because I’ve never been on a nuclear submarine before.

49. Jesus sub, cruisin’ through that river.

50. “This is how it starts.” Why are we still watching this movie? Why is this part in here? Fucking just end already! This is a shitty sequel hinter. There shouldn’t even be a sequel!

FAIL.

Wtf is this:

21/Mar/2012

Current Thoughts: The whole time I'm going, "WHERE THE FUCK is the dog?!"

50 Reasons Why ‘The Woman in Black’ Sucked

1. Very convenient. If there were only 2 windows, they might have saved a child.

2. Son’s stick figure of Arthur. It looks more like Gerard Butler to me.

3. Why’s it so cloudy- no wonder we have global warming issues.

4. Daniel Radcliffe, can’t get away from the awesome trains.

5. Worst fake blood ever.

6. Guy on train- never smiles, ever, in any movies.

7. Thanks for not telling me while I was still in the vehicle about dinner.

8. So if it weren’t raining you’d make him sleep outside.

9. That sounds lovely, what’s the next suite, the basement?

10. Why’s the birdcage on the stairs? I would imagine it should be downstairs in the lobby where it can socialize.

11. Someone leave a music box playing before Arthur opened the door?

12. “H. Jerome: Solicitor” I think we need to get back into putting our names & occupation outside of our houses: RAPIST or POLICE OFFICER.

13. Cross on the road, what, a drunk carriage crash? I’m surprised that doesn’t wash away from the tide.

14. Man, that marsh would stink so bad with all that kelp & shit.

15. It’s sunny all of a sudden as he looks at the crosses. Odd. And why’s he looking at them like they mean something, seeing crosses is totally natural.

16. Arthur looking lantern with person in background. Who is that, the midget in black? I thought this was the Woman in Black, not small child.

17. Ghost sees him pull out drawing of his dead wife as an angel. She’s probably thinking, “Oh this will be too easy” & then makes loud noises.

18. Why didn’t you pull your horse a little bit further?

19. Just fill your cup up, seriously. I fucking hate people that do a shit ton of shots with a big ass cup.

20. I like this whole “don’t talk about children” thing, but there’s paintings & photos everywhere.

21. What kid doesn’t like to sketch?

22. Medication?! That’s chloroform.  And that’s why we don’t have visitors.

23. SUCKAS! That’s what happens when you have a car and not fucking horses!

24. This is why everyone should label their keys.

25. I like how it’s only sunny in these trees. Always. But dreary everywhere else.

26. Dude, he is getting nothing done. Focus on your job instead of playing hide & go seek with this mystery lady in black.

27. I like how as he’s reading these letters, he’s imagining what this chick would sound like & the way she changes her tone of voice.

28. Maybe they shouldn’t have had so many mirrors & picture frames in this house while filming because every once in a while, you can see the cameraman or camera.

29. The ghost must be working on something again. Lots of carpentry or maybe her washing machine is off balance?

30. Looking at the rocking chair: “DO YOU MIND?! I’m going to be out of here tomorrow” Nobody rocks their chairs that hard unless they are trying to be a big DOUCHE.

31. Where is the dog? Where is his candle?

32. Horrible CGI of hand on window, lady in window.

33. I don’t care if I have a hatchet, if the dog’s got fangs; I’m not opening up that door.

34. Now where’s the hatchet?!

35. Grabs another candle, I’m surprised the wax isn’t dripping onto his hand & burning him.

36. He’s getting a really good workout at least, running all over this property.

37. Why does he want to solve this mystery? What, does he think he’s going to get a raise for it?

38. This movie would be a lot shorter if we took out every time he walked down a hallway or up & down stairs.

39. Why’s it so bright outside through the windows, but pitch black in here?

40. I’m surprised he still has hair after that fire.

41. “A child has died.” And Arthur is just figuring out this pattern.

42. Oh ew. And those were his only clothes.

43. Well that Rolls Royce USED to be the most valuable vehicle in the world. Now it’s trashed.

44. If it’s that difficult to be in, how’d they get the cross out there in the first place?

45. This is just a room full of creepy right there. Nobody has that many wind-up dolls in one single room.

46. I would have just looked at the chair & said I was trying to do the right thing. No need to be a bitch to me. I don’t even live here.

47. “I think she’s gone now” You never say that! Saying that automatically means more horrible shit is going to happen & it’s going to be worse then what was previously going on.

48. Well, wtf, you let your kid release his hand so you totally deserve this.

49. He’s all happy now, so the moral is that he should have killed himself & his kid a long time ago?

50. I doubt you would see their breath if they were dead. Or I mean, they wouldn’t be seeing each other’s breath since they are dead. Like I see dead people, pfft.

FAIL.

20/Feb/2012

Current Thoughts: I actually prefer the first one...

50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede 2 [FULL SEQUENCE]’ Sucked    

1. Yes, we remember the first one. We do not need to watch this much of it to remind us of the ending.

2. Looks like he pirated this dvd.

3. What is the point of the black & white? Couldn’t get the fake blood or shit to look real enough?

4. So this was all caught on camera & his boss never reviews the tapes.

5. Why doesn’t he just click back to the beginning?

6. I really don’t think this guy can do it. Not with his weight & the wheezing going on.

7. How are these two alive? Their skulls have to be cracked. I’d give them an hour, max.

Someone made a lovely scarf!

8. Dude, 3 people didn’t work in the first one, what makes him think TWELVE would work?

9. I guess it’s a pretty cool journal & all, but he doesn’t need to look at it every five minutes.

10. Centipedes aren’t that loud. No need to over-exaggerate.

11. It’s like Tom Green with the boa.

12. Jesus Christ, I don’t know how that thing lives in the wild.

13. Is it 110 in there, Martin?

14. I’m surprised he even talks to you at all, mother.

15. All I know is that this beard is epic. The beard is talking, not the man. Why did he even show up if he’s only going to be there for 2 minutes?

16. Because banging a broom will make him stop. I’m surprised the guy even noticed.

17. Black rain, black piss.

18. I don’t think you need to draw all this out. You seem to know it really well.

19. Damn, Martin is an awesome shot!

20. God, this is the most perfect, desolate parking garage ever.

21. Her legs don’t work when you hit her in the head. Yeah, you might not run very straight, but at least give it a try?

22. Yeah, see, that is a hard hit. She’d be dead.

23. Everyone looks pretty helpless. Me, I’d be rolling around, fuckin’ trying to get the duct tape off.

24. “He’s gonna stitch us ass to mouth! Help!” Let me just lay here some more.

25. How would his mother NOT know he’s not in bed?! Look at him; he’s HUGE on that bed!

26. Does he have like, 18 crowbars just lying around everywhere? He’s like, a MASTER at “knocking people out”.

27. The hooker managed to get out & run away, but the doctor is in the car still, doors closed.

28. That was delayed. Bullet must’ve spun around a little bit in there, and then decided to exit his cranium.

29. He eyes keep twitching as he cuts her clothes.

30. These people, killing me. They had HOURS to do something, ANYTHING, yet they are still laying there in the same positions he left them in.

31. Rippin’ teeth out. Turn him over, he’s going to choke on all that blood.

32. Wouldn’t really think you’d hear all those sharpie marks being drawn on there like that.

33. She’s not kicking him with the other leg???

34. Those staples would just come right out. It’s just skin. These people are fucking pathetic.

35. You’ve got a lot more than just tears to clean off, Martin.

36. That can’t possibly be the same girl from the first movie. She couldn’t be either of the first girls; both of them had boobs.

Ooh, bunnies!

37. That’s her tongue. It wouldn’t have ripped out like that & I’m pretty sure she can still scream.

38. Dude, it says “Oral”, not “Inject with syringe”.

39. CGI Squirting on the camera in the only color besides black & white. What, is the director 12? I’m surprised no one is puking right away.

40. A fly’s buzzing noise. Because that is appropriate.

41. You just gave them a ton of laxatives. Pretty sure they would still be shitting their brains out. You don’t just shit once & everything’s all good.

42. He’s not even near her; his dick would have to be huge.

43. None of them are using their free hands to rip off the duct tape & rip out the staples.

44. Why, in everyone movie that involves someone trying to get free, do the cars NEVER want to start?

45. Baby comes out, she smashes it.

46. Girl gets to the light, and then all of a sudden she’s able to get to the centipede & chuck it at him.

47. The gun would NOT have clicked.

48. She chucks the funnel, yet in the background the hose is still attached.

49. He doesn’t die from blood loss from his penis or from the centipede internally fucking him up.

50. He could never fill the shoes of a German scientist.

FAIL.

14/Feb/2012

Current Thoughts: Pain in the balls long ass title

50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 1’ Sucked

1. He rips his shirt off, but not his pants. Where does he find new clothes? Do they put clothing geocaches randomly in the woods?

2. “Phil, it’s happening.” That beach looks so freakin’ fake.

3. Mom is totally ok that she’s only like, 18 & getting married.

4. The vampire’s eyes just get worse as each movie comes out.

5. This random dog painting in her bedroom just kills me LOL.

6. “Just checking for cold feet” Can’t he see the future?

7. “All the men I killed were monsters & so was I.” What are you bitching about? This conversation is completely pointless.

8. “Someone capable of courage & sacrifice.” *Blink* *Swallow* She must have the strongest neck muscles ever since this is all she does.

9. Quit fuckin’ around on my window sill, my dad’s going to hear & then find out that you guys are vampires.

10. I was never this freaked out on my wedding. It looks like she’s dreading this & is about to faint.

11. They just rushed into their vows, holy shit.

12. So awkward, why is this even still going on? If I were Jacob, I’d be done with this shit. This is worse than the friendzone.

13. Ride away in a Volvo.

14. Wolf howls. GAY.

15. If you don’t think about the birds with the chains, you don’t know anything about Rio.

16. In the taxi, they were going a lot faster than what they see outside of the window.

17. It’s as if they just flew in the plane for like, 20 minutes.

18. Awkward standoff around the bed.

19. For the amount of time that it took her to get ready, he would be so pruny.

20. Are they green screened into this water? It’s so real that it looks fake.

21. Is it really that difficult to be gentle?

22. Why would the feathers still be falling when she wakes up?

23. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” So I am going to just walk away.

24. “Don’t ruin this.” Ugh, shut up already.

25. Bella only talking with her top teeth.

26. What a waste of a goddamn beautiful place. Fucking no one would be playing chess.

27. Thanks for leaving me at the waterfall & in the jungle.

28. Puking- maybe because you just ate chicken, juice, & fucking peanut butter.

29. “Don’t come in here.” But I can see you through these little slots anyway.

30. Lighting in Bimmer on the way to the plane.

31. “She said she’s fine but she sounded … off.” Well yeah, she said she was SICK.

32. Jacob: “You did this!” Well yeah, it wasn’t a gang bang. I would HOPE it’s my fault.

33. “You get what you always wanted, to kill me.” Better write that on paper so no one from your clan will come after me.

34. I wonder how much clothing Jacob has to buy every month…

35. They could have so argued about this in human form. So gay.

36. Why is Seth Asian? And what Asian names their kid ‘Seth’? Even if he was Native American, his name still wouldn’t be ‘Seth’.

37. Yahoo? Did he reach the end of the internet? Try Google.

38. Oh my God Edward. “You decided this on your own.”

39. “Feels complete when you’re here, Jake.” Edward: “I’m sitting right here, WIFE.”

40. Good thing this Styrofoam cup is so conveniently here.

41. “Your pulse is already getting stronger.” “It’s working” You don’t say????

42. How is she “good & pure”? She doesn’t do shit, doesn’t do anything except messes with people’s minds.

43. Vampires can’t run but sure as shit can jump.

44. “EJ” It’s not like they both came inside you. But baby’s names? I thought Edward knew what it was.

45. I like how two people are standing right next to her & couldn’t catch her.

46. I just want to know how he extracts his venom.

47. Gayest part: Punching dogs & also Jacob jumping then morphing.

48. How long has she been laying out on this table, fumigating?

49. It’s like she just came online, her wifi just got uploaded. Everyone’s like, “hold on a sec, Bella’s been activated.”

50. We tallied up how many times Bella over acted throughout the movie:

Gulps & Hard breathing: 35

Random eye movements & Worried faces: 37

Lip bites & attempted smiles: 27

Jutting out the chin: 48

FAIL.