22/Jan/2012

Current Thoughts: Oh shit, my power just went out...

50 Reasons Why 'Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark' Sucked

1. Why didn’t you answer the maid the first time she called for you?

2. I thought it was night time, why is there so much light down there?

3. It’s a little weird to have your ex-wife as your number 1 on your phone.

4. “Wanna try?” Swinging on the bookshelf, because that’s good parenting.

5. “That’s mine, it was my grandmother’s.” Then don’t leave your shit everywhere.

6. “Come live here with Kim & Me” …Ugh. Kim & I.

7. “I want to go to bed now.” This shit has already got to stop. Fucking whiny kid.

8. “I’m the evil step mother.” Why would she even think that, there’s no reason.

9. What is floating in the air? It’s wintery/fall & wet as shit with misty steam down here. It can’t be pollen.

10. How did she know to look there of all places?

11. How did they not know about this basement when he’s an architect & has the plans & old docs on this house?

12. “Be careful Sally” Letting the kid go down there first, seriously, without knowing what’s down there.

13. “That must be the garden window.” NO SHIT.

14. Ash pit obsession. I see wind go through; I don’t think anything of it.

15. I like how he said it’s welded on there & she’s currently wrenching them off.

16. That wrench wouldn’t stay on there while she’s kicking it.

17. Dad didn’t hear the door fall off & slam on the ground?

18. Any other kid would have grabbed the dish & shown their parents.

19. How old is this girl? Always the same expression too. Close your mouth. She never lose her baby fat?

20. “Turn out the lights” in the creepy voice. SO SHE DOES IT. Any other kid would be already balling at this point.

21. Why would they shred Kim’s clothes?

22. Folding robe, walking to vent to ask little gremlins about Kim’s clothes: Look at how massive her hands are.

23. She didn’t hear him come downstairs.

24. Why does everyone want to help Ms. Underhill so much, the old lady. Maybe she shouldn’t be working.

25. This guy seems so weak.

26. Don’t look child, but I’m going to hold your head in his direction.

27. In the garden? Why would you leave her alone?

28. How is anyone believing this was an accident when he had scissors sticking out of his shoulder?

29. You imported Koi? You know you can buy that shit at your local Petsmart…

30. Kim’s just bailing instead of getting brownie points for staying there all night long.

31. You see something crawling towards you under the sheets & you do not own a cat- therefore you smash it with the flashlight. You DO NOT crawl under there to meet it.

32. What’d she watch ‘The Ring’ too? What’s with drawing circles all the time?

33. When in doubt, medicate your child.

34. The stop sign the guy is holding is round but they are in The US…. Or say they say….

35. Taking her long enough to get out of the bathtub. At least turn the light back on.

36. You are going to give that old lady a heart attack.

37. Why won’t Kim just ask, “Hey are they little gnome things?”

38. Why is Sally sitting in the center of everyone at the dinner table? Weird.

39. I take photos for a living; I know that flash is done for. You can only take like 10 photos with that thing.

40. “What’s going on in there?!” Seriously Kim. Like anyone else can answer that. She takes first place for ‘Tard’ in this movie.

41. Show them the body!

42. Even at full speed, those little guys couldn’t take him down by tying a rope around his legs. It might have made him trip or fall on his ass, but not make him slam his head on the ground.

43. It’s supposed to be dark & rainy, wtf is this heavenly light in the main foyer?

44. At least this house has a shit ton of flashlights everywhere.

45. Expecto Patronum!!

46. I don’t understand why it’s looped around her legs.

47. And now it’s daylight in the basement as they hug each other.

48. He doesn’t try hand over fist to try & find her, even if he knows she’s dead? You don’t investigate that shit???

49. What a convenient draft for that drawing.

50.So why does the new-turned gnome get to be the leader? You’d think the newbie would be the slave.

FAIL.

18/Jan/2012

Current Thoughts: Karen needs to pick a profession other than acting...

50 Reasons Why 'Abduction' Sucked

1. “Dude, you’re crazy.” Yes I am because this is seriously the only entertaining thing here in Pennsylvania.

2. Wow, eyebrows.

3. Make it super immature/awkward while walking by each other.

4. Getting drunk at the same party? This party is still going? I’d so be going somewhere else. You never stay at a party the WHOLE time.

5. His mother is blonde & white. Dad is super white too. This never went through his head before that he’s super Indian looking & they aren’t?

6. “Good game.” Don’t be a punkass, high five him.

7. You can tell he was totally wearing a chest guard.

8. He doesn’t even have a bead of sweat.

9. I don’t get why in movies they always show the drying of dishes. Because it’s not the end of the task when they are going to shove it into the dishwasher anyway.

10. Ooh, the mailbox hit. That sure showed you.

11. He’s always creepin’.

12. “I still have the dreams.” So then you don’t have insomnia.

13. Not typical high school wrestling attire.

14. Random shitty music spurts.

15. He has an Aprella but he can’t afford a bigger TV.

16. “You still like games.” Uh yeah, you know what the age group for MW3 is?

17. “Close it please.” Weird zoom out.

18. He’s “scrolling” on his laptop & the screen’s not even moving.

19. Not going to walk her downstairs? No etiquette whatsoever & he supposedly likes her.

20. Why would they still have his kid clothes?

21. “Be back for dinner.” What the fuck time is it???

22. Who still names their kid Karen? That’s such a 50’s name.

23. This project just got REALZ.

24. Why would he need his birth certificate for a fake ID?

25. That birth certificate isn’t even correct for Pennsylvania.

26. I have a ton of photos with people cropped out of them.

27. WTF is dad doing with a carpeting hammer on his lawnmower?

28. A double sided kick would really work well but the side effects of landing on your side would really suck. There are better ways of kicking someone’s ass.

29. Why hasn’t anyone called the cops yet?

30. You have to be 21 to not wear a helmet in Pennsylvania.

31. Ha, the horrible green screen of them on his bike.

32. Vladimir Putin’s shitty tattoo, they must’ve run out of money for a good makeup artist, to make it look somewhat real.

33. Why was he connected to the CIA without him explaining who he is or why he’s calling?

34. How can he possibly remember that address under those circumstances going on?

35. If it is moonlight, why are their faces so lit up in a warm way?

36. I like how “eyebrows” still has all her makeup perfect.

37. What the hell is he doing with that steering wheel???? That’s a damn sloppy ///M Series.

38. Their shadows change sizes when they’re getting their IDs.

39. “So hungry; he might like that.” I talk out loud to myself a lot too.

40. CGI breaking of glass.

41. Taking long enough for everyone to respond to two snipers going down.

42. Their cups keep changing in the diner.

43. Horrible cinematography of them in the truck.

44. His chair would have flipped up to show the gun.

45. Either they’re talking that low to each other or everyone around them can totally hear that conversation.

46. He cocked the hammer, but it wasn’t cocked when it was on the ground.

47. I love how they just scooped up the body & everybody’s like happy day.

48. Dad’s mouth/face is super white & the visions of his mother are white too so was he adopted by them too? This still doesn’t explain why he’s so dark.

49. “I’ll have him home.” You don’t even know her address, unless she lives at that shrink office.

50. Yesterday she’s in the hospital with bruises & shit on her arm, but apparently she’s got super healing powers because it’s all gone.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Colombiana’ Sucked

1. Took the credits long enough to show a HK G3. Those Colombians love their G3’s.

2. I love when guns make a bunch of noises when you just move them.

3. They take forever to drive away, but then they only drove like, 5 feet.

4. C’mon dad, 10 minutes!

5. “I love you very much.” I love you too papa… Why am I black?

6. Well that’s what mom gets for running away. Maybe should have invested in body armor.

7. How’d she get shot, but he’s totally fine? She was ahead of him…

8. “Kill that little bitch” but then he says “We need her alive.” Or did he say “GET that little bitch”? He muffles too much.

9. This IS 1992, right? They didn’t have that 4 stroke back in 1992. (The CRF450)

10. I like how if you’re in a city like this- in any drug lord chase- you always get to be Aladdin & jump around on those buildings.

11. That bike was so close to her & she suddenly pulls away… running.

12. MP5 with a B&T stock which hasn’t even been developed yet, not until 2000. Those Colombians are so ahead in the future!

13. Manholes average at around 110lbs. Damn, little girl, you’re so strong!

14. Perfect example from the movie “Rubber”: There is a pile of vomit on the table & we are still moving along with the story. No one cares to clean it up.

15. Those are some new looking bills he just handed over to her; definitely newer than 92.

16. You wanna be like Xena? Xena’s not even out yet!

17. Shooting outside of the school.

18. Buh, uh he just, uh.. walked away. No one even pointed him out when the cops arrived?

19. Why wouldn’t she be in a cell right now?

20. WTF kind of California prison is this? She’s in for the night, but they’ve got this big shot prisoner showing up too. She can’t just go to a normal jail?

21. Really? Usually someone has to let you through those doors.

22. This is pretty slick, but you know the spoon would have already fallen.

23. The ducts are never this clean in real life.

24. Very absent minded security.

25. Yeah, go check the drunk girl in the holding cell because she totally seemed suspicious.

26. Kind of retarded leaving your hand skin outside of the crime scene.

27. Wow, he didn’t age at all.

28. “How’s the hand?” Like you haven’t seen him since it first happened.

29. God, this guy: Same look, always in the drug mobs.

30. What kind of computer is this?! It’s like the new age Google.

31. I’m sure catelaya flowers grow in other places, not just Colombia.

32. Swimming in a pool with fake sharks- looks awkward in so many different ways.

33. And no logical way of getting in the tank of sharks. Seems like a pointless entrance to me. Now you’re all wet.

34. That photo in a newspaper?

35. Stuffed alligator. Weird.

36. They wouldn’t continue to monitor that phone call & find out she knows that they know where she is?

37. That’s a massive charge on that door.

38. That’s ghetto fabulous: flashlight on the rail.

39. I like how the bolts on the vent are loose enough for her to unscrew with her fingers.

40. After all that running from the FBI through tunnels and shit & her boots are still perfectly clean.

41. Photo of Obama, this is supposed to be 2007. I don’t care if he was in the senate back then, that’s just weird. Nobody has that big of a photo of Obama unless you’re related to him. The CIA is like Nostradamus, already knowing who’s going to be president. That’s how advanced they are.

42. That's one hell of a laser to get that far during daylight & on top of that it didn't lose any power going through glass either.

43. Oh Christ, just turned into a shitty version of ‘The Matrix’. 9mm Uzis blow people away.

44. 2007 Mercs airbags would have gone off from that crash.

45. I would have shot him as soon as I came through that door. You deserve this beating.

46. This whole fight scene looked like it was barely edited or shot professionally.

47. Jolie should be the actress in this, not Zoe. Zoe’s better than this.

48. How’d she know which vehicle he would take?

49. The climax was so rushed that it isn’t even entertaining anymore.

50. Good thing this house was very secluded. The neighbors didn’t hear the bombs, rocket, gunfire, etc.

FAIL.

16/Dec/2011

Current Thoughts:Failed at any attempts to be scary, quirky, or sexy

50 Reasons Why ‘Fright Night’ Sucked

1. Have you seen The Riddler?

2. Always goes upstairs. God, even the DOG knows what to do.

3. Why would dad have the gun lock keys in his pocket?

4. That is the highest bed in the world.

5. I HATE that! The ONE time someone has a gun & they fuck around & die.

6. “Need help with the trash?” It’s already at the end of the driveway.

7. Jeep Liberty rolls up, then Liberty disappears. Liberty shows up again. Then you see the same Liberty parked in a driveway, opposite of where it turned.

8. For Sale signs SOOOO coming in handy later. Too easy of foreshadowing.

9. This fucking crazy moonlight.

10. He grows claws every time he feeds.

11. I feel like Ed’s story in this is already so deep that I missed some of the movie. I don’t think he gets enough spotlight in this. Like we’re thrusted into the rest of the story too quickly.

12. Ed’s room: disgusting & stagnant.

13. Light beer… Budweiser??? Not too light.

14. “Girls, they need to be managed.” Like raped?

15. Dude, Jerry, quit looking around like you’re a criminal.

16. “Everyone’s gotta look after their own business.” You gotta look after those eyebrows.

17. Complaining about “getting under the covers.” You might as well plow her before she or both of you dies.

18. Starting a fight. You should’ve stopped, told her the whole schpeal, etc.

19. WHY would you call 911 automatically???

20. “How to pick a lock” don’t mind that there’s a deadbolt right above it.

21. It’s so extremely stressful just because of how slow he’s walking through this house.

22. Jerry couldn’t have done a better job blacking out his own windows?

23. As soon as I would have seen his headlights, I would have been down those stairs so fucking fast. And how is Jerry already back so fast? Don’t they live in a neighborhood that’s an ungodly amount of miles out from anything? (Even though in one of the shots, The Luxor looks like a mile away)

24. Look through the peepholes already. That’s what they are there for.

25. Wow, she’s taking this very well. She obviously had no will to live.

26. I know he could be pissing with him, but why couldn’t Jerry have just gone around the other side of the stairs?

27. “A million things right now.” A MILLION.

28. Porn at school would have been blocked & he doesn’t seem that smart to fuck with the proxy. For porn anyway.

29. Carrots with machetes.

30. Jerry’s getting a little careless- right in front of the neighbors in the car.

31. WHY is the house STILL blowing up?

32. There IS service by Vegas, even through the canyons. I’ve driven it many times.

33. Seriously, how far out do they live?? This can’t be Vegas.

34. She could’ve stepped on his hand when he put it on her brakes.

35. Stand there with a cross? Why not walk up & stab him while he’s feeding?

36. Pointless having Chris Sarandon being that character. Might as well not even be in the movie at all.

37. He’s FINALLY looking at these photos?

38. Putting up crosses- one barely did anything to him & you think 20 will do the trick?

39. What is the point of his condo remote if he has to answer his phone for deliveries.

40. The odds of this “magician” meeting the same vampire again… Stupid personal side story that I don’t care for.

41. Fogel as a vampire.

42. Fogel just standing there with his head half chopped. Just cut it all the way off.

43. Always leaving weapons when you know water won’t kill him.

44. I’ve been in a ton of clubs. If you REALLY wanted to get through, you just push.

45. Of course there’s a stake that will change the victims back.

46. WHY is the Army Navy store clerk acting weird? Why would he think this is different from any other day? People buy this kind of stuff all the time.

47. The police aren’t investigating this house.

48. His cross bow was armed & he just threw it on the ground… And it didn’t go off when it landed…

49. “You smell that? It’s your fear.” Same as any other vampire movie.

50. That’s a really weird song to end on. Neat cover, but odd choice.

FAIL.