50 Reasons Why 'Colombiana' Sucked
- Opened August 26, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 47 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 15+. Read More
- Cataleya, a young woman who has grown up to be an assassin after witnessing the murder of her parents as a child. Turning herself into a professional killer and working for her uncle, she remains focused on her ultimate goal: to hunt down and get revenge on the mobster responsible for her parents' deaths.
- Cast: Zoe Saldana, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Amandla Stenberg, Michael Vartan
- Director: Olivier Megaton
- Genres: Action/Adventure
It’s kinda like ‘Hanna’ but she’s from South America.
50 Reasons Why ‘Colombiana’ Sucked
1. Took the credits long enough to show a HK G3. Those Colombians love their G3’s.
2. I love when guns make a bunch of noises when you just move them.
3. They take forever to drive away, but then they only drove like, 5 feet.
4. C’mon dad, 10 minutes!
5. “I love you very much.” I love you too papa… Why am I black?
6. Well that’s what mom gets for running away. Maybe should have invested in body armor.
7. How’d she get shot, but he’s totally fine? She was ahead of him…
8. “Kill that little bitch” but then he says “We need her alive.” Or did he say “GET that little bitch”? He muffles too much.
9. This IS 1992, right? They didn’t have that 4 stroke back in 1992. (The CRF450)
10. I like how if you’re in a city like this- in any drug lord chase- you always get to be Aladdin & jump around on those buildings.
11. That bike was so close to her & she suddenly pulls away… running.
12. MP5 with a B&T stock which hasn’t even been developed yet, not until 2000. Those Colombians are so ahead in the future!
13. Manholes average at around 110lbs. Damn, little girl, you’re so strong!
14. Perfect example from the movie “Rubber”: There is a pile of vomit on the table & we are still moving along with the story. No one cares to clean it up.
15. Those are some new looking bills he just handed over to her; definitely newer than 92.
16. You wanna be like Xena? Xena’s not even out yet!
17. Shooting outside of the school.
18. Buh, uh he just, uh.. walked away. No one even pointed him out when the cops arrived?
19. Why wouldn’t she be in a cell right now?
20. WTF kind of California prison is this? She’s in for the night, but they’ve got this big shot prisoner showing up too. She can’t just go to a normal jail?
21. Really? Usually someone has to let you through those doors.
22. This is pretty slick, but you know the spoon would have already fallen.
23. The ducts are never this clean in real life.
24. Very absent minded security.
25. Yeah, go check the drunk girl in the holding cell because she totally seemed suspicious.
26. Kind of retarded leaving your hand skin outside of the crime scene.
27. Wow, he didn’t age at all.
28. “How’s the hand?” Like you haven’t seen him since it first happened.
29. God, this guy: Same look, always in the drug mobs.
30. What kind of computer is this?! It’s like the new age Google.
31. I’m sure catelaya flowers grow in other places, not just Colombia.
32. Swimming in a pool with fake sharks- looks awkward in so many different ways.
33. And no logical way of getting in the tank of sharks. Seems like a pointless entrance to me. Now you’re all wet.
34. That photo in a newspaper?
35. Stuffed alligator. Weird.
36. They wouldn’t continue to monitor that phone call & find out she knows that they know where she is?
37. That’s a massive charge on that door.
38. That’s ghetto fabulous: flashlight on the rail.
39. I like how the bolts on the vent are loose enough for her to unscrew with her fingers.
40. After all that running from the FBI through tunnels and shit & her boots are still perfectly clean.
41. Photo of Obama, this is supposed to be 2007. I don’t care if he was in the senate back then, that’s just weird. Nobody has that big of a photo of Obama unless you’re related to him. The CIA is like Nostradamus, already knowing who’s going to be president. That’s how advanced they are.
42. That's one hell of a laser to get that far during daylight & on top of that it didn't lose any power going through glass either.
43. Oh Christ, just turned into a shitty version of ‘The Matrix’. 9mm Uzis blow people away.
44. 2007 Mercs airbags would have gone off from that crash.
45. I would have shot him as soon as I came through that door. You deserve this beating.
46. This whole fight scene looked like it was barely edited or shot professionally.
47. Jolie should be the actress in this, not Zoe. Zoe’s better than this.
48. How’d she know which vehicle he would take?
49. The climax was so rushed that it isn’t even entertaining anymore.
50. Good thing this house was very secluded. The neighbors didn’t hear the bombs, rocket, gunfire, etc.
FAIL.
